I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

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Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.


[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.



Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.


COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.


I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful


[during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt


SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?


I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.