I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
my professor scared me for a second
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”