Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.