I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.