Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

sigh

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?