I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You Might Also Like
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”