Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Covid like
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?