I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Creepy-crawlies
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.