I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Bringing back this classic
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota