I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.