I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.

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[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question


So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.


“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”


girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train


I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.


The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League


If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.


HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*


Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.


People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.