@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.

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@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@darkmatter_wimp

Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:

There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@kwirkyKerri

You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.