“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT