If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:
There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.