@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.

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@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@fletchworld73

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

@Marlebean

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

@1niitro

The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

@shutupmikeginn

Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.

@Sarcasticsapien

People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.