I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I love art.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Introverted vegans go meetless
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.