I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that