I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.