Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon