Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

prepare for carbonated trouble

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money