I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
New comic up. “Ransom”
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.