Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really