I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You Might Also Like
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Those are good neighbors.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.