Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

*lint rolls you awake*

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Beards are a privilege, not a right

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts