Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

ㅤ

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.