Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.