Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒