“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
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‘go with the flow’ i tell myself as i tumble down the stairs
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin