“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice