“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.