Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

When you’re Kinky but poor

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

smartest karate player in the world

🐕🍷

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it