I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.