“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Pot warmers of the day.
