I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’d … I’d rather not.
👾👾👾
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.