Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary