I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Born to be mild.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.