Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Hank is one in a melon.

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]