“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.