Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.