I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
A friend sent me this.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*