I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.