“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.