Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.