I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
calling in to work dehydrated
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.