Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

That earthquake could have been an email.