Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

me watching my own Instagram story

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.