Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

I have taken up painting

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.