Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.