I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.