I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
You Might Also Like
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I just tested negative for patience.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
