Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

The First Farmer

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.