Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I triple waxed for this?

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it