Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Oh. My. God.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.