i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
tourist season
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.