Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife