Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

They did not miss in the small print

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.