i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!