Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

trivia

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

They’re really bad with fonts.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”