I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!