I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
beware of dog
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone