Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Sniffing the broccoli

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr