Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.