Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?