I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A leaf blower, but for people.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
i’m gonna allow it
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.