Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

New mindset, who dis?

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby