I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
For anyone who needs this today
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok