I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)