Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.