Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.