Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]