Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.