I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
United Steaks of America
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
This made me chuckle.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
shit just got real
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’ve disappointed better people.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes