I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying