I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
My recliner and I go way back
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week