Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Breaking news:

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.