Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

HERE’S MARKY

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh