Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog