i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
same bro
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The booster protects against what, now?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!