i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays